So, I have this problem~I say “I’m sorry” way too much. I could’ve written the above meme from real world shit. I’ve apologized to the cat for getting in his way….yes HIS way. Me: reaches over the cat to get something from the counter “oops sorry kitty.”
In the grocery, at the end of almost every isle, I am constantly saying “I’m sorry”-for someone running into me. I do it over and over. I always say, “I’m not saying I’m sorry anymore.” Or “Oh ok! Nooooo, excuse me”, this is of course, after I’ve apologized and continue to do throughout the store.
I understand there are social graces and maybe it just sounds like normal social graces. But after this last year I’ve begun to wonder- Why do I continue to apologize for….stuff? Life. Do we actually forgive people or are we secretly keeping score?
Last year when my kids lost their dad, my ex husband, it was something none of us had been through before. The pain and changes are so indescribable, I now know, it’s something you can only feel through experience. I say “feel” because I don’t really recall being able to think clearly, I could only feel what was happening. It was obviously a very trying time for our family and also to those close to us.
Before the tragedy, I had an issue with a friend of mine that I was working on. She didn’t know and i hadn’t had a chance to talk about it because I was still working it out. She’s important to me and part of my squad but I feel things changed over the last year because I had an unresolved issue, life was interrupted and changed, and that became unimportant. Today, it’s something I feel bad about because I had given her the cold shoulder and she had no idea why or if it was all in her head. It wasn’t. I was mad. I hope I get a chance to have coffee with her and talk to her about it.
I missed a lot of family functions this past year. I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to go and I gave myself permission to stay home and not feel guilty about it. To my family, I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t love you, I’m just still healing and figuring life out. I love my husband, my kids, my grandkids and I have an all around great life. But there’s been loss. And we’re still trying to navigate the new path. I wanted to be home just in case my boys needed me. I wanted them to know, I’m home base. This is where we can gather and be together. It’s important for them to have that going forward in life. They’ve always split their time between their dads house and my house on holidays so it became important for me to be home to give them stability, safety from the sad days. Maybe things will be better this year.
When this happens to you, you come out on the other side changed and a little dazed. You look back as if you were in a dream. Feeling like you’ve lost chunks of time, it’s just gone. During this lost time, you’ve missed saying “Happy Birthday” to friends and family, you’ve missed church, you neglect the most important people in your life, you probably didn’t say “thank you” enough or acknowledge someone who helped you. Many unreturned phone calls and responseless messages.
So, why would I apologize to complete strangers who are rude to me but I haven’t said “I’m sorry” to the people who are most important to me? I don’t know, really? I wish I had a good reason, hell- even a good excuse would do. Even though, I’m not sure that I have to apologize for any of these things?
Full disclosure: I couldn’t find the right words to finish this article and it was very frustrating. I know that when I get stuck like that, that I’m not really saying what I want to say. The paragraph above was written last night and stopped short because I just didn’t have a clear direction. Until today.
In fact, when I started writing this, my intention was to apologize for all of these things because I do feel bad that alot was lost on me this past year. I’m not usually like that and I try to be thoughtful concerning everyone. But the more I wrote, the words just weren’t coming out. At then end of almost every paragraph I had written “I’m sorry”. Did I really feel that way or did I feel I HAD to say it in order to make everything ok with those around me?
This morning I was listening to Steven Furtick’s message Trapped in Nazareth. If you’re not familiar with him, check him out-he’s a pretty cool pastor. Anyway, I’m working away at my desk listening to the sermon and something he says stops me in my tracks. He says “Don’t you apologize the rest of your life for a weak season!” AHHHHH the clouds have parted and I’ve seen the light! I’ve struggled so much with feeling like I need to reach and out say “I’m sorry” but it just didn’t sit right with me. Not that I’m above apologizing, because I’m not (see the first paragraph where I said sorry to the cat…). I’m sure my family and friends probably felt neglected along the way but the ones that know and love me understand and they don’t need an “I’m sorry”. They’ve probably been more forgiving to me than I’ve been to my self. I’ve probably agonized over it more than anyone else has even thought of it. Thank you anxiety. You’re a real pal *eye roll*
I had a weak season. I’m not proud of it nor ashamed of it. It was a year in the life….
Thank you God (literally) for giving me perspective on this sunny, Tuesday morning.
Thanks for reading,