This is something I wrote on Facebook, (almost) post-depression in July 2012. The words I wrote back then never escape my memory when I recall significant moments when I stepped out of the darkness and into the light. Kind of like an emotional hibernation.
I had fallen into a very deep depression. Looking for something to make me get out of the house, literally, I found running. I don’t know why I chose running. I knew nothing about distance running. Zero. My aunt & her daughter, my cousin, were runners and that was the iota of motivation I needed, I guess.
I texted my best friend Stacey and asked her to start with me and she agreed! (She still doesn’t know what the hell she was thinking). It started us on a journey that we’re still on today. We would soon become “Team Stacey”. Looking back at my old posts from this time, I had so many people supporting me. I didn’t realize how powerful that was until just now. *Revelation*
Since then, we’ve ran in more-than-I-can-count 5 & 10k’s. But looking back, the first 5k seemed like it was a million miles. The race was the Freedom 5k, our City’s annual July 4th race through the park. Freedom…
These were the thoughts I had the night before my first race:
So tomorrow is the 5k. I know to most of you it’s no big deal but to me it’s more than just a race. I feel like I have been through the ringer over the last year. A lot of personal obstacles to overcome. I’ve always been a strong & independent person but this last year really knocked me down.When you are depressed, it can be a slippery slope and if you’re not careful- it can do a lot of damage. I knew I could sit down and do nothing or I could keep moving. I chose to keep moving. So I started to run. I knew it was a goal that I could focus on and stick with- especially since I had told all of you :D. Everyone kept saying “you look great” but I didn’t FEEL great. There were days I just wanted to go home, pull the covers over my head and cry…but I didn’t. I went home, changed, put on my running shoes and ran. Don’t get me wrong, there were days that I did go home, pull the covers over my head and cry and there were days that I cried while running. I have slowly become not only physically stronger but mentally stronger too. The 5k tomorrow is more than just 3.1 miles- to me it’s an end to the insecurites & self doubt I carry around. I could blame others for my insecurities but that would be giving them credit for what I’VE accomplished. I own it. You really find out a lot about people in your life when times are tough. It’s funny how it weeds out the unimportant people you really thought you could count on & shows you people who are in your corner and you never even knew they cared. I’m thankful for the people who stuck by me when all Hell was breaking loose because without them- I’d still be laying in bed crying. But I’m not, because they supported me and I chose to keep moving.
I still cry…. but after I finish crying- I run.
Thanks for reading,